Dear Diary,
I have been slack yet again. But in my defence, I can say that I started writing this post in time. However, everything interferred in between and I could not finish it… I forgot to finish it.
The most difficult thing to forget…
What would it be?
Betrayal of friends?
Betrayal of loved ones?
Breaking a promise?
Something utterly evil?
I guess, all of the above and some more are very worthy causes for unforgiveness. However, the most difficult, the most heavy, the most convoluted unforgivness of them all is to
FORGIVE Y
OURSELF
It is not them who is hurting through betrayal, it is you. It is not them who is weighing all the words that have been said and re-evaluating words and actions, it is you. It is you who does not sleep at night. Moreover, it is you who is not going to trust that easily ever again. It is you who is going to see ‘the signs’ of impending pain and shame well before it actually happens (if at all).
There are millions of books and techniques on how to forgive yourself. You can pick and choose one that suits you. Or you can choose not to choose. You can choose to wear your pain as a shield, as a flag, as a mask. It is also a choice.
And it is much easier to choose not to forgive than to forgive. Forgive yourself is a bloody hard work. It is a constant ‘work in progress’. As we live among people and things, bad things happen all the time.
One day we can think that we pulled ourselves together, recovered, forgave, learnt our lessons. We can think that our world is all patched up and is sparkling and shining all over again. We can think all those positive thoughts only to be brought crashind down to scrape our knees and break our heart… again.
So, keep working, keep forgiving. It is the most difficult but most freeing thing there is… So I’ve been told.
Svetlana Tishchenko 